so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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