My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We had sex on a dog bed..
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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