And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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