Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
