This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
