you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
