someone owes me an orgasm
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
