Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
