Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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