it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
