ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
