I wish I could teleport
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
