party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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