last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
