i wish my penis had a tongue
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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