My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
