Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You are a genius and a whore.
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