I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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