There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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