I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
