Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
then he tried to convert me to islam
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
