my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
