Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
