id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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