I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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