I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
