Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
