At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I love you. Go after that dick
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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