I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
