we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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