Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's shark week go big or go home
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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