My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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