If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
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