so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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