im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
