I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize