I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
