i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
