Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
