my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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