there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
