So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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