New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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