Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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