I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
