he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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