WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
