Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
