I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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