do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
