you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
PANTIES FOUND
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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