this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
