Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
