I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
