y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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