Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
