she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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