just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
