Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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