get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
