then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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