I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
