We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
it glows. i had to have it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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