I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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