Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
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