Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
